


Give and Take

by raiyuki76



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Aftermath, Asexual Fjord (Critical Role), Bad BDSM Etiquette, Caleb is just Mentioned, Demisexuality, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Fjord only has 7 wisdom, Flashbacks, Jester isn't there but like... it's weird, Panic Attacks, Regret, cathartic writing, give him a break, spoilers for ep40
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 13:09:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16556366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raiyuki76/pseuds/raiyuki76
Summary: “You do what you have to,”Caleb had said. He didn’t want to think about it then, and he definitely didn’t want to think about it now.But he didn’t have that luxury. Precious seconds had already passed, and Avantika still held his hand, watching and waiting.He didn’t have time to consider if this was something he was okay with, because the longer he took to act, the more she would doubt him. So he acted.





	Give and Take

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, it's me again thinking way too much about Episode 40. So rather than working on the on going series that I _should _be working on, I wrote this. Happy Birthday! I know it's what no one wanted.__

“There are ways to complete a full future pact together,” Avantika said as she reached out and took Fjord’s hand. The half-orc didn’t miss the look in her eyes as she watched him.

“Many different ways,” she said with a sly smile. So there it was.

Fjord knew what she was implying. He knew what she was asking for. He could feel his mouth go dry and the faint tremor begin to spread through his legs, but he kept them still.

He knew it was going to come to this damnit. He knew it was going to happen eventually.

_“You do what you have to,” _Caleb had said. He didn’t want to think about it then, and he definitely didn’t want to think about it now.__

__But he didn’t have that luxury. Precious seconds had already passed, and Avantika still held his hand, watching and waiting._ _

__He didn’t have time to consider if this was something he was okay with, because the longer he took to act, the more she would doubt him. So he acted._ _

__He stood up, not releasing her hand. Her eyes remained locked on his, predatory and hungry. He let his eyes droop, taking on a heady look as he closed the distance between them._ _

__It was easier to focus on building the lie than it was to face what he was about to do. He had to, since she was so damn good at seeing through his falsehoods._ _

__He was careful to control the tremor that he could feel building in his legs. That damn tremor that started whenever he was anxious or too much was going on or he was too worried. He couldn’t let it come out now because who fucking shakes when they kiss someone? She had to think that he wants it._ _

__He leaned in, eyes not closed completely. He watched her as her lips parted slightly. Surely a kiss wouldn’t be too bad. He can deal with that. Maybe it could be just that._ _

__Avantika’s other hand moved up from where it rested on the table and cradled the back of his neck like it had before. But she wasn’t so gentle this time._ _

__She pulled him forward, her lips slamming into his with a level of force and hunger that he hadn’t been anticipating. Her tongue immediately slid between his lips, and she deepened the kiss as soon as he let her. It was strange, leaning forward over her like this. It felt awkward and strained and _wrong _on many levels, but Fjord wasn’t really certain what to do.___ _

____She seemed to agree with his thoughts though and she slowly stood up, not breaking the kiss. It allowed him to straighten up some, which was good, but also strange because he still really wasn’t okay with this._ _ _ _

____He had underestimated just how _not _okay he was with this.___ _ _ _

_______You do what you have to. ____ _ _ _ _ _

________He shuddered for a moment, and before Avantika could register the movement, Fjord was already working to mask it. To lie. To pretend it was a shudder of pleasure and not of fear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He took his other hand and placed it at the small of her back, applying just enough pressure to imply that he wanted it there, but not enough to pull her against his body. At least he was still wearing his armor. He deepened the kiss as he did so, tilting his head to the side._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________For a moment, he felt her jaw push against the nubs of his worn down tusks. He couldn’t help but wonder if she would have not wanted this if he had let them grow out like he had told the others he would do. It was a strange thought that interrupted the growing panic, but it wasn’t unwelcomed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Any distraction was a blessing in this moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He broke the kiss first, coming up for air more than anything. From her own heated breath, it was something that Avantika needed too. They stood for a moment, tangled in each other’s space, simply breathing. But the moment of respite didn’t last._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The pirate’s dexterous fingers began to trace along the folds of his armor, her eyes searching as she did so. Her touch was light. She was giving him a chance to pull away. She was giving him a chance to say no, and Fjord could barely contain the desire to do just that. But he came here for a reason…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________If he stopped to think about it, he wouldn’t be able to convince himself to continue. So he didn’t let himself think about it. He leaned back in, kissing her gently as he started the process of unbuckling his bracers. It was all the sign she needed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She pulled him down closer to her, using his armor as a handle, deepening the kiss once again as her hands began to unbuckle the straps that held the breastplate on._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She undressed him far faster than he had anticipated. With each piece of armor removed, he felt more and more exposed. He tried to convince himself that she didn’t need to go all the way, that perhaps she wouldn’t, but it was apparent that that was what she intended to do._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She pushed and pulled him through the room as she stripped away every barrier between them, and when he was wearing nothing but his trousers, she pushed him down onto the bed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He let himself fall and huffed out a false smile. She untied her own robe, revealing the naked form he had seen earlier and clambered onto the bed after him, straddling him quickly. Then, as quickly as she had climbed onto him, she suddenly slowed down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He looked up at her, towering over him and felt her weight holding him down. He took a deep breath and tried to wet his lips, but his mouth was too dry and tacky to do any good. His heart was racing as she pinned him to the soft bed, but he found that now, she simply sat there, watching him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her eyes were softer now as the looked down at his bare skin, her fingers tracing the various scars that covered his form. Fjord faltered slightly under her stare. It burned him and he could feel his skin grow hot as he sat there under her gaze. She seemed content to continue just like this, but he found that he wasn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It was too much. He couldn’t explain why her roving eyes bore into him so painfully, but they did. He didn’t want her looking at him like that. But still, what could he do instead?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He lifted his hands slowly as he tried to think of what to do next, resting them on her legs were they straddled his hips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her eyes suddenly hardened, ever so slightly. A hungry smile twisted her lips as she quickly grabbed his wrists and pulled them up and over his head. She pinned them to the bed right at the base of the headboard, her eyes taking on a look of victory, as if she had won some form of game._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Perhaps it was the swiftness of the motion after so many slow and precise touches. Perhaps it was how her hands wrapped around his wrists like all too familiar bindings. Either way, he didn’t respond well, and his control over himself slipped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Fjord suddenly felt a wave of nausea overtake him. Memories of dark cells and burning flesh filled his mind. A deep rumbling laugh of a long dead man seemed to filter through the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He wasn’t safe._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Without really thinking about it, he pulled his hands free from hers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Her motions stopped immediately, and Fjord’s eyes snapped open as he realized what he had done._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Sorry, sorry,” he murmured, trying desperately to ignore the ringing in his ears. He truly hadn’t expected that. “I uh… don’t really like… sorry I just…” why was he fumbling? What the fuck. He needed to figure something out. He needed to say something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She looked down at him, her eyes searching, but not untrusting. Was there… pity, there?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He took a deep breath and took control of the racing thoughts in his head. He had to. He had to fix this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I guess you could say I’m not exactly a fan of bondage,” he finally muttered, unintentionally rubbing his wrists as he did. The flesh there was still sensitive, where rope burn had turned into jagged scars that he normally kept hidden by clothes or armor. She smirked a bit, but it was weak, as if she found his use of words humorous but not the topic at hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That is unfortunate. Should I presume that it has something to do with this?” she asked, a knowing but not unkind tone in her voice as her fingers traced the recently healed brand that marked his shoulder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________How did he forget that? Of all things to forget?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He still dreamed of the burning agony of the hot metal against his skin. How could he possibly have forgotten that the brand was there, revealed from where it was normally hidden under his armor? For her to now see as he lay prone beneath her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And why did he not realize that she would probably recognize it? She did hire the Iron Shepards, after all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah, that would be it,” he muttered, finally looking up at her. She looked down at him with a strange look on her face. There were traces of pity there, but also contentedness. She seemed pleased with herself, for gleaning another drop of truth from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She leaned in close, her body pressing against his in a way that made him want to squirm. But he didn’t. He couldn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He could feel her warm breath on his skin as she whispered to him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“With Uk’otoa’s power, no one will ever be able to do that to you again,” she whispered, her eyes wide and fanatical. He forced his lips to curl into a smile even as he fought the urge to pull away from her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He didn’t have time to respond to her though before she began to kiss him again with fervor. Her hands moved along his body, touching everywhere she could. He mimicked her movements, not really paying attention to what he was feeling with his hands as he desperately fought to control the tremor that wanted to break out in his legs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She was so close as she grinded against him. He couldn’t let her feel that damn tremor._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It was strange. He had often used his charm to hide fear or even disgust before. But there was something different here. He wasn’t just hiding his feelings, he was turning them around, and pushing them back out into the open, all twisted and malformed. He was trying to pretend that he wanted this when his true desires were far from that._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It felt wrong to him, deep inside, on many levels._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But he didn’t let that show. He often performed better when put on the spot, and this night was the biggest test of his ability that he had ever had._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He was remotely confident that he succeeded in his act. He hoped to all the gods above that he had succeeded._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That it was worth it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That it wasn’t a waste._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That he wasn’t lying under this woman’s roaming hands for nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She peeled away to loosen his pants, tugging them impatiently out of the way. He helped her, because that’s what he should do in this situation, right?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He felt pretty conflicted that his body had responded so viscerally to her touch. On the one hand, that made his lie more believable. On the other…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Regardless, his body was ready for her by the time she removed the last remains of clothes that stood between them, and she didn’t hesitate to continue on with the next step of their union._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Fjord was accosted by a variety of sensations that he desperately worked to ignore. He barely opened his eyes, watching Avantika above him just to confirm that she wasn’t watching him like a hawk as she moved on top of him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Fortunately, she wasn’t. Her own eyes were lidded with pleasure as she rocked above him, her hands gripping his shoulders as she moved._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He plastered a look of pleasure on his face anyway. He focused desperately on curating this false experience, on breathing deeply and letting out barely audible and strained moans._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________If he focused on the act, it was easier to ignore the feeling of shame in his gut._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His hands held her hips, though he occasionally forced them to roam a bit up or down to maintain some form of action. At one point, one of her hands took his and brought it up to one of her bouncing breast, placing it there and holding it for a second._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Fjord took the hint and when she removed her hand, his stayed there, moulding the soft skin and rubbing calloused fingers across her nipples._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His eyes opened barely for a moment once more, and he saw her bright blue eyes watching him this time, hungrily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She canted her hips, shifting her angle and tilting her head back slightly, but she kept her eyes on his. He could feel his breathing stop, and he couldn’t look away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He’s not sure what sort of expression crossed his face, but she seemed content with it because she moaned low as she moved, tensing up around him as she came._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That probably could have been it. She slouched against him, breathing deeply. His own breath returned and he wrapped a somewhat shaky hand around her. Surely that wasn’t too weird. He hoped that she didn’t question the slight rattle, because he really wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You didn’t finish,” she murmured against his neck, sending a ripple of tension through his body at the strange sensation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Uh, no, but that’s… that’s ok,” he muttered, trying to sound like he was trying to hide disappointment. He started to shift, deliberately not sliding out from under her but rather just shifting till he was leaning on one arm._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________She leaned against him more at that, her skin burning to the touch. Her hair flowed to one side, cascading across his shoulder and tickling uncomfortably._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________How does he kindly exit this situation?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“No, it’s not,” she muttered as she pushed him back down. She was still fully sheathed on him, and her eyes now roamed across his face, watching intently._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“So what excites you Fjord? If not bondage, what can I do to ensure that we have an equal exchange?” she whispered heavily, her eyes never leaving his as she gently rocked herself again. Her pace was slow and sensual now, and it was making it a lot harder to ignore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He had felt some pleasure from the exchange. It had been very minor, and had been easily overshadowed by the nausea threatening to bubble over and the shaking that he was trying so desperately to maintain. But there had been no building release. He wasn’t sure there could be, with someone who he didn’t exactly trust._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But what the hell do you say to that?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Uh… well I mean,” he said stumblingly. “It’s a little weird.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh I love weird,” she said as she moved, her eyes still locked onto his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Crap._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Deflect! Deflect! ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________How the fuck do you tell someone that it’s only certain people? And that she’s just not one of them?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________How could he possibly tell her that there was probably nothing she could do to make him really _feel _it right now, even if he was actually into the idea.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She smiled though, as he panicked, like he was being coy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What could it be, what could it be?” she asked, continuing to rock on top of him at an agonizing pace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I uh, look it’s fine. I’m sure if we just keep going…,” Fjord sputtered, trying to maintain a coy look of embarrassment on his face, rather than the panic he was feeling threaten to override him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Is it pegging?” she asked, her eyebrows arching in amusement._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“What?” Fjord asked, legitimately confused by what she had said. He hadn’t heard of pegging before, which slightly worried him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hm, so not that one,” she said with a laugh, clearly amused by his innocent confusion. He could feel embarrassment building up next to the shame and panic._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How about sensory deprivation. You did like to keep you eyes closed earlier,” she asked, a slight look of disappointment at the idea. Now that one he had heard of. He wouldn’t be against not being able to see or hear her, but she didn’t seem super keen about that one. He merely shrugged, letting her see that he considered it, just in case she would get desperate enough to use it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As he did though, she leaned in, still rocking against him. Her hands slid up his chest now and found his throat. They encircled it loosely as she whispered in his ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Asphyxiation?” she asked as her fingers tightened slightly. They weren’t tight enough that he couldn’t breath, but he felt a sudden wave of panic. Nope. Not that one. He did _not _trust her enough for that.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But he didn’t voice his concerns quickly enough. The wave of panic that he had felt must have registered as something on his face, something that she had misidentified. She smiled right as he opened his mouth to speak._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Very well,” she said with a smile as she began to move at a faster pace again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Her fingers remained wrapped around his throat, gently still, as she moved, and the part of him that was ready to back out simply fell apart and gave in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________At the very least, he knew that she would not kill him here. She needed him. She wouldn’t kill him, so if this was what he had to deal with to hurry this all up and get out of the room, then he would deal with it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________If he had to trust in that at least, then that he would trust. And if she mistook that as faith in her, then all the better for him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________That’s what he told himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But he had to do something. If she wasn’t going to give up till he got off, what the fuck was he going to do?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Well, he knew one thing that could potentially work, but it felt wrong to even think about it. You weren’t supposed to think about other people._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________But then again, nothing about this situation was okay… It couldn’t really get any worse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Besides, it’s not like she can read minds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He closed his eyes again, fully this time. And he thought of someone else. He tried to imagine that it was her, instead of Avantika. That they were safe instead of here. That none of this had even happened._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________That’s not fair to her... ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He could see her, surrounded in a dark hazy blue. He could feel her on his lips, her face in his hands, and for a moment, he forgot that that was a memory, and not a fantasy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________But it was difficult to keep that image in his head, when he felt such burning shame. It was hard not to see that shame on her face, that anger._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Beau had called it jealousy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It was hard to imagine everything going well when he felt he didn’t deserve that. When he knew that she deserved better._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________It’s not fair to her... ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________But he pushed those thoughts away. He couldn’t afford to think of that right now. He twisted his imagination to present the fantasy of it. He forced himself to think of it all working out and of her on top of him, happy and needy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________And it worked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He could feel, for once, a building current of pleasure. He kept his eyes screwed shut. The woman above his could just chose to believe that it was sensory deprivation, if she wanted to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He ignored the pain of his very tense legs, and he ignored the shame and the nausea that still resided in his gut. He just focused, with all of his might, on that fantasy in his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He didn’t register the fingers tightening ever so slightly. But he did feel the light headedness that accompanied it. It left the fantasy in his head feeling floaty and foggy as his body built closer to the climax that he now sought._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Because once he reached that climax, he would be free._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He let out a weak, breathy moan as it finally found its way to him. He felt his body tense up and his breath hitched as he finally came._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The first thing he noticed was the hands remove themselves from around his throat. His eyes immediately fluttered open, a small brush of panic quickly returning. Avantika towered over him once more, her skin glistening with sweat and a _very _satisfied look on her face.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________The fantasy that had kept him calm during that build up shattered immediately and he was pulled back to the reality of the situation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He gave her a weak smile as he breathed deeply, trying to ignore the ringing that had returned to his ears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“That is better,” she said as she slid herself off of him and settled down at his side. Her own breathing was still rough, and he could feel their sweat soaked skin pushing against each other with each breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He wrapped a still shaky hand around her shoulder, letting it hang limply and tried to focus on seeming happy and content._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________She was clearly happy and content. It was only a handful of minutes before her breathing evened out and she appeared to drift off to sleep. Fjord looked down at the top of her head where it was rested on his arm, slightly disbelieving that she would actually fall asleep on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He watched her for a moment, trying to discern if she was only pretending. He couldn’t really tell though from this angle. The lanterns that kept the room lit were flickering dangerously low, and he wasn’t sure how long he waited there, biding his time before he felt he could safely try to leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He slid out from under her as quietly as he could, shifting bit by bit. She seemed to stay asleep and he couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It was awkward pulling his clothes back on, twisting them around from the inside out mess that they had been thrown away as, but he relished in the layer of protection they offered. He considered putting his armor on as well, but he decided against it. He didn’t want to risk waking her up..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Sleep well, Fjord,” Avantika said, her voice sleepy, but still cocky. He almost dropped the gauntlet he was holding, and he cursed silently to himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“And you as well, Avantika,” he replied, keeping his voice low. He could practically hear her smirk, but he ignored it as he put on his boots and gathered the rest of his things._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He slid out from her door, walking quietly as he could, avoiding her men as they stood on watch. His breathing was coming up short though, and he was cold. So cold._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He tucked himself into a corner and began putting his armor back on. Which each layer, each tightened strap, he felt a tiny blanket of safety. Of comfort._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________But that was quickly being overridden as the tremor he had previously kept at bay came back full force. His legs began to shake violently, as did his hands. He couldn’t stop it. He had controlled it before, why couldn’t he now? But he just… couldn’t._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He kneeled down, curling into a random hidden corner of the ship, folding into himself as much as he could. He rested his head against his shaking knees and began to count in his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Or at least, to try to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t think. He had trouble keeping the numbers straight as images of tanned skin and red hair hid behind his closed eyes. His hands kept shaking. He couldn’t stop them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He felt a sudden bloom of pain as he sunk his own teeth into the meat of his hand, biting into the base of his thumb to stop it from shaking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He held it there, focusing on the pain of it as he let the shaking slowly die down. He isn’t sure how long he sat there, the taste of iron in his mouth, but eventually, the shaking stopped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He counted to ten. Then to fifty. Then he did it again in Orcish. It always took longer in Orcish, because despite what people expected, it wasn’t his first language. But he still practiced it anyway._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It was another lie that he wrapped around himself. Another falsehood, a tool he used to deal with people expectations of him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He released his grip on the hand and wiped the blood away. He felt himself breathing almost normally, but now the shame was coming back full force. It was dull, compared to the panic that had just gripped him, but heavy. It weighed on him and left him feeling sick to his stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________But it was manageable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He stood up, slowly. His body ached, and he felt like shit, inside and out. He just wanted to go to sleep. To forget what had just happened. To bury his shame and to not think about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He slipped into the room he shared with Caduceus, moving as quietly as he could. His mind wasn’t even on his roommate till he saw him shift, eyes gently opening in the dark, despite not being able to see him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Fjord froze, some part of him desperately hoping that the cleric would just fall back asleep. Instead…_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Sleep well with your bad decisions,” he muttered, before turning over. Fjord felt the weight of his shame punch deeper into his gut, but he knew he deserved it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He shouldn’t have moved forward with it. He should have thought more about his actions _before _he acted. Not in retrospect. He should have said no.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________But what was done is done. He couldn’t take it back now. All he could hope to do was get enough rest so that he could deal with anything that may occur the next day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It should have been easy, with how exhausted he was, but it seemed that his body was done being compliant. He tossed and turned, unable to rest with a fantom weight pressed against his hips. He couldn’t get comfortable as the memory of her hands trailing across his skin flitted through his mind. Of fingers curling around his neck like a noose._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________And he remembered that fantasy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Finally, he sat up, looking around in the dark for anything he could do to stop the shame and the memories. But there was nothing but him and the sleeping form of Caduceus._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He sat up for what seemed like a while, before finally giving in. He crawled over to the corner, where the bed met the walls that it was tucked into. He stuck the thin pillow behind his back and curled up, knees up to his chest._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He wrapped the blanket around him, then hugged his knees tight. He pulled himself into as small a space as he could, despite the pinching of his armor and the ache in his back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Then he breathed deeply, rested his head against the wall, and tried to fall asleep._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________It was strange, but it worked. His grip on his knees loosened as sleep started to take hold, but he still stayed curled up, leaned awkwardly against the wall in such a way that he would probably be very uncomfortable in the morning._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________But the memories didn’t plague him. The exhaustion set in, and while he knew he didn’t have a lot of time to rest, he still fell headfirst into the uncomfortable, dreamless sleep that greeted him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, there it is. I hope at least some people enjoyed it. Any thoughts, comments, or concerns are welcome!
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:  
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